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Twitter Thinks I'm A Robot

June 3, 2018

If you're reading this my name is Robby Millsap and I have been stranded on Twitter Island for over a week now. It's cold, lonely, and I've had to eat my toenails for nourishment.  

 

Actual photo of me minus the abdominal muscles.

 

My G-D Twitter account is broken...

 

I hate this so much!

 

I think I know what I did...but it's stupid (for them).  Sometimes for work I use VPN to which makes my IP address appear as if I'm in a different state.  So one minute I'm looking at Twitter in California, and the next I've magically transported to the land of milk and cheese.  So my guess is Twitter sees this and refuses to accept that I've discovered the secret of teleportation (good guess) and I am a bot (which I am not).

 

So I tried to Tweet and I got the message "We think you're a bot", to which I said, "Well I'm not, dummy.  But YOU are!"  And then my account was hosed.  For a while there if you pulled up my profile you'd actually see that my account had been suspended.  

 

No no. I hate *THIS* so much!

 

That's all I did.  I didn't Tweet a threat at a congressman, make fun of the new all-female Ocean's 8 film, or show a picture of what looks like a carrot inside a handkerchief.  

 

 Remember this guy? 

 

So I submitted every Twitter support form I could find hoping to release me from these chains. But nothing.  

 

But I did learn a few things about how Twitter enforces bad actors (which I would like to repeat, am not one).  

 

Lesson #1 - Twitter literally does not check their support emails

Thanks for nothing!

 

So I'm emailing and emailing and getting nothing in return.  I feel like Kesha when she tried to hug Jerry Seinfeld.  

 

But I love you, Twitter. And in time you could learn to love me too.

 

On a side note, if you ever see an email address that says "wecare@<company>" know that some DevOps person has been ordered to pipe that content to /dev/null and no one is reading it.  I say this from personal experience.

 

Where was I?  

 

Lesson #2 - There's a fate worse than Deactivation, it's called Isolation

 

So when Twitter really hates you, I mean You-Ate-All-My-Thin-Mints-While-Beating-My-Labradoodle hates you, you get "promoted" from Deactivation to Isolation.  

 

My current status.

 

Isolation means you can Tweet your little heart out.  But you can't follow anyone.  Which means your Twitter feed is just a mess of the garbage you spewed.  Basically my Twitter feed is like Microsoft Word.  It's just the stuff I've written which I assume no one can see.  

 

And then if you try and appeal your suspension you get this message.  Notice the text in blue at the bottom.

 

Right. It must be me.

 

 

 

Call to action!

 

You're probably wondering how you can help!  Why not Tweet @TwitterSupport and include my handle @robbymillsap and say "Fix Sap's account!" 

 

Thank you. 

 

 

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